Lakeside School

During my time at Westridge School, there was one task our entire team despised: printing chat cards. Chat cards were conversation starters that encouraged family members to talk openly prior to the college application process. These cards had to be perfectly printed on perforated cardstock (try saying that ten times), organized by topic, hole punched, and placed on a note card ring. It took hours. But every time a student or parent would mention how thought-provoking those seemingly innocuous but “to-the-point” questions were, it seemed worth the effort. Questions such as, “If someone asked what you love about your day, what would you say?”, “What’s holding you back from something you’ve wanted to try?”, and “Do you ever feel pressured to participate in something you don’t enjoy?” opened the floodgates for a discussion, and created space in a busy schedule for essential conversations. During a particularly emotional exchange, one mom recounted how, upon being asked what her favorite part of the school day was, her daughter lit up talking about the drama department, her costuming elective, and possibly pursuing design in college. When the student’s father scoffed at the perceived “impracticality” of such a class, it opened the doors for a conversation about parent expectations and student authenticity. Eventually, the dad “got with the program” after a few tough meetings. Communication is at the heart of the college process. 

So, let’s chat. In previous articles, Ari Worthman and Frances Nan discussed the shift away from credentialism, “wiping the slate clean” on how activities are viewed in the college process, building an authentic narrative, and what a “good” activities list looks like. Let us add another building block: how can parents and guardians support their students in finding the “why” instead of the “what”? The process begins with conversations at home, and with reframing freshman year. 

1. Encourage exploration
   
   I’ll share an eyebrow-raising opinion: 9th grade is akin to 5th grade in several ways. Students are entering a new school requiring social-emotional learning, a step up academically, many behavioral changes, and more responsibilities. This is a transitionary, level-setting, and exploratory phase of their time in high school. Contrary to popular belief, students are not “behind” if they don’t already have established commitments in freshman year. Encourage your student to be adventurous, join clubs, dabble in different art forms, and try a new sport (or two). Perhaps share with them stories of your exploration of interests and hobbies when you were in high school. 
    
2. Be patient and supportive 
   
   When talking about exploring different activities, try to avoid pressuring your students to commit immediately, especially in 9th grade. A teenager’s brain is still developing — as is their cognition level — and they will need time and space to reflect upon how they enjoy spending time. Embrace freshman year as a “reset” rather than a direct continuation from 8th grade; it’s a “step up” into a new stage of their educational progress. While you may not agree with every interest your child pursues, this exploration is still crucial to developing their sense of self. Their efforts should be celebrated to continue encouraging their confidence and autonomy. 
    
3. Ask reflective questions and talk about values
   
   When your student delves into a new activity, ask them questions such as, “What was enjoyable?”, “What was challenging?”, and “What are some new skills you’re learning?” Also encourage them to think about their values, and how different activities align with them. Could spending time with animals lead to volunteering at a shelter? Or, could a love of taking pictures lead to a photography class? Understanding one’s values is a key guiding principle — within and beyond the college process — that is essential for building an authentic sense of self. Accordingly, as students figure out their values, they may realize certain activities no longer align with them. And contrary to popular belief, quitting an activity is healthy (and okay in the eyes of college admissions) if a student no longer finds fulfillment in it, or decides to allocate valuable time towards another activity. Emphasize that, while commitment is important, so is recognizing newly crystallized goals and interests. 
    
4. Help them maintain balance
   
   Keep your student’s comfort level in mind to find realistic, sustainable ways to challenge themselves. For example, if your student is more reserved and enjoys writing, pushing them towards Debate Club may not be the best move. Perhaps they could instead join the school newspaper with the goals of refining their writing style, collaborating effectively with their peers, and finding their voice through different stories. Creating a sustainable schedule is another form of balance. Between classes, activities, commitments, homework, responsibilities, and trying to get some sleep, Lakesiders live busy lives. Quality is much more essential than quantity in the college process. If a large list of activities is taking away from a student’s ability to perform well in classes or get enough sleep each night, encourage them to reprioritize. 

As students progress through high school, they can build their confidence and initiative, taking small steps to increase their commitment to activities that align with their values and demonstrating growth over time. Eventually, as they approach the college process, they will have a better sense of who they are, as they have built a more deliberate ecosystem around themselves. Through the college process, they will be asked to essentially put pieces of a puzzle together, which no one can do but them. More choice and more voice will lead to a successful high school experience, and ultimately, a more successful college process.

Bonnie Singh is a college counselor and writing specialist at Lakeside School.